Nikki Glaser’s Golden Globes Opening: A Lighthearted Take on the Justice Department, the Epstein List, and “See B.S. News”

Nikki Glaser returned to host the Golden Globes for a second consecutive year, initiating the evening with a tongue-in-cheek reminder of the event’s significance. “Without a doubt, the most important thing that’s happening in the world right now. So let’s get down to business,” she quipped, setting a playful mood for the night.

Her opening remarks targeted a range of topics, including the Warner Bros deal, the Justice Department, and CBS News, before seamlessly transitioning to the annual tradition of humorously addressing the celebrities in attendance.

“I cannot believe the amount of star power we have in this room tonight, it’s insane,” Glaser remarked, wearing a striking red ensemble. “There are so many A-listers. And by A-listers, I do mean people who are on a list that has been heavily redacted. Yes, the Golden Globe for Best Editing goes to the Justice Department. Congratulations.”

She further poked fun at CBS News, declaring, “Yes, CBS News, America’s newest place to see B.S. news.”

Glaser then turned her attention to the nominees. “George Clooney is nominated for the movie Jay Kelly tonight,” she said. “Yes, where he plays George Clooney. You’re so good, George…I’ve always wanted to ask you this question, and I know this is unprofessional, but I might not get a chance to do it again. So here goes. My Nespresso has been coming out too watery, and I’m wondering, is that like a pot issue? Could you troubleshoot it for me later?”

Next, she addressed Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, humorously noting, “The Rock is nominated tonight, and luckily for him, the TV show The Paper is not. So he might win.”

On Kevin Hart, Glaser stated, “I love you so much, Kevin. You’re so funny, and you and The Rock together are my favorite comedy duo…You’re like a Steve Martin and Martin Short but for people under 50 IQ, you know what I mean?”

She reserved kinder words for Jennifer Lawrence: “True story, I once told a makeup artist, can you make me look like J Law, and he was like, Honey, I can’t even make you look like Jude Law. So we laughed.”

Addressing the ensemble from The White Lotus, she said, “Did you guys actually know that White Lotus season three was the first hit show to feature incest since Property Brothers Season All Of Them?”

When it was Leonardo DiCaprio’s turn, Glaser highlighted his many achievements, adding a playful jab: “the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turns 30.” She added, “I tried not to but like, we don’t know anything else about you… you know, open up.”

Turning to Sean Penn, she remarked, “Everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger. Meanwhile, Sean Penn is like, what if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag. It’s hot, it’s good, Sean. I love you.”

Glaser continued, praising Penn’s humanitarian efforts: “I feel like a lot of actors talk the talk, but Sean Penn will actually go to the places in the world that need help the most, and he will do cocaine there. And I feel like we don’t celebrate that.”

Next, she applauded Michael B. Jordan’s dual role in Sinners, exclaiming, “I can’t believe it, we got two Michael B. Jordans. When I saw that, I was like Nikki B. Jerkin.”

On the topic of Wicked, she humorously remarked, “Wicked was back with Wicked: For Money…I mean, it was so emotional. Two hours into that movie, I was just like in tears, like I can’t believe there’s 45 minutes left.”

Glaser added, “Ariana, I could listen to you singing the phone book. Grab the one Kevin Hart is sitting on tonight.” She concluded with a nod to Timothée Chalamet: “What a dedicated performance you gave [in Marty Supreme]. It was incredible. I’ll let people know this: Timothée Chalamet is the first actor in history to have to put on muscle for a movie about ping pong. He gained over 60 ounces.”

As the evening progressed, Glaser playfully encouraged celebrities to continue their paths, ending with a humorous homage to Martin and Short: “Keep proving to us that in this industry you are never, ever too old to still need money. I love you guys.”